My husband unexpectedly broke up with me in December of 2018. Since that time, I’ve been living in a swirl of grief. Perhaps by chance, perhaps by grace, I keep coming into contact with others in a similar state, so I wanted to compile a list of resources that have helped me on this journey. I hope they are helpful to you.

Nature

You know this already but I am reminding you. You have to get outside, as often as you can. You have to go to beautiful places as much as is possible for you, botanical gardens or hiking. On Miami’s Campus, I spent hours walking on Western Campus and sitting in Kumler Chapel.

Yoga

Are you doing yoga? Why not? You know you have to, right? The yoga studio is a peaceful space filled with other spirit-seeking individuals. For months the only people who ever touched me were yoga teachers, doing an adjustment or a sivasana assist, pressing my shoulders against the floor. I always valued the human contact. Plus they repeat brilliant mantras like, “Whatever you don’t need anymore, leave it on the yoga mat.” I would feel my anger rise up in me, and that’s how you know, the pain is still raw. But other times I lay on the yoga mat and I feel perfect peace, even for a second. If you can’t afford to go to a studio, follow some videos at home. Esther Ekhart is a really gentle teacher good for those in grief. She has tons of free videos and a paid subscription service that is very affordable (17.50/month and first 2 weeks free).

Meditation

Yes, you have to meditate too. Meditation is just sitting quietly, allowing any emotion or thought to surface, and then gently choosing not to engage it or get drawn in to it. It is a way of training yourself not to identify too closely with your own thoughts (David Singer’s Untethered Soul also does a nice job of teaching this). I like the app Insight Timer. Some of my favorite guided meditations on that app include “Using your intuition to make difficult choices” and Tara Brach’s Accepting Life just as it is.

Podcast episodes:

I use podcast episodes as a way to reprogram my brain, to invite in new thoughts. I listen to them a lot when I am walking or doing other chores, or when I know the thoughts that I am thinking are not helpful. My absolute favorite podcasts for this purpose are produced by Danielle La Porte, but her podcast posts rarely and there aren’t many episodes. I would recommend the latest series With Love.

In general, the Robcast has been the most helpful resource for me during this period. The show is hosted by Rob Bell, a post-Evangelical contemporary mystic with an affection for all things from his beloved Los Angeles. His enthusiasm for deep reflection on the mystery of life draws out more from his guests than they normally offer on other programs and his sermons are very thoughtful. For grief specifically, I loved his conversation with Elizabeth Gilbert (episodes 224 and 225). This conversation took place a year after the death of her beloved partner. In this conversation, she discusses how important physical movement (dance) and creation have been in her processing of grief. In my case, the most difficult season for me is around the holidays, so I really value the way guest Alexander Shaia reclaims the darkness in episodes 60, 103, 176 and most recently with 263.

My long-time self-care podcast is On Being. I have been listening for many years. Her episode on Ambiguous Loss with Pauline Boss is very helpful for those going through divorce or other kind of deaths where you still have to interact with the person (Alzheimers, etc). I also really benefit from her conversations with poets, especially David Whyte, Mary Oliver, and Joanna Macy.

I also really recommend Glennon Doyle’s talk “First the Pain, then the Rising,” available as a video or podcast. I recommend her book below.

Physical space:

I recommend getting out of your physical space as much as is possible. For me, my mind stays in a mental loop when I am in the home that I bought with my husband, where he broke up with me, where he lived another seven months in our guest room refusing to speak with me. If you cannot leave your space, you need to clear it energetically as often as you can. I like to smudge with dried sage or palo santo (helpful photos and directions here, though I have a strong instinct to walk counter-clockwise). You also can invite in positive energy with sweetgrass. I also burn a lot of candles. And I open my windows regularly regardless of the outdoor temperature to let out the old and let in the new. I like to combine these two practices, smudging and opening the windows. I listen to this album when I smudge because I have a strong connection to the Iroquois, but that is the subject for another post.

Coffee, flowers and other good things

Fill your life with good and beautiful things. There are always flowers on my table, beautiful notebooks in my purse, candles burning, and soft fabrics against my skin.

For me, going to a good coffee shop is a sacred ritual. It always has been. But getting out of your house and in to a beautiful cafe is even more important in seasons of grief. If you can’t afford a coffee shop, buy yourself the best coffee or tea that you can afford for your house, or a beautiful mug (You can pair it with working with the wonderful book The Cup of Our Life).

Nearby, I love Purebred in Troy and Deeper Roots in Cincy (Findley location). I like Blue Bottle Coffee in DC and San Fran. They have a subscription service (free trial!). If you are in Syracuse, Peaks is great. I guess I need another post with all of my favorite coffee shops. Soon inshallah (God willing).

Books

Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

Reading this book is its own meditation on how we might release our desire for pleasure and accept suffering with more grace.

Rabbi Nahum Ward-Lev The Liberating Path of the Hebrew Prophets

Now maybe I am the only one who would find this book helpful, but I really did. Rabbi Nahum argues that there is a liberating force throughout the Hebrew scriptures that is still active in our lives today.

Glennon Doyle, Love Warrior

This book is about a woman being brutally honest with herself and others about who she has been, and taking active steps to become a more authentic person. It’s not really about her relationship with her husband, except that the crisis he creates instigates the beautiful process that she details in this book. Good for anyone walking an authentic journey.

Residencies and Retreats

I strongly recommend any kind of retreat or residency. I attended a small silent retreat at a monastery near my house. You can also look into Vipassa silent retreats across the country.

I found structured residencies to be helpful ways of living in beautiful spaces. The two that I recommend from personal experience are:

Poco a Poco, Oaxaca, Mexico

This is a residency for creatives of all kinds, writers and photographers. Oaxaca is the perfect city to visit because it is hot even in the winter (but not too hot in December) and you are surrounded constantly by beautiful handmade objects all of the time.

World’s End Flower Farm, Esperanza, NY

This is a residency for those interested in flower arranging or “anyone interested in the intersection of nature and art.” Every space is beautiful.

Life Coaching

I don’t know if everyone in grief needs a life coach, but I liked being involved in a few programs that supported me in thinking about what direction I wanted to take my life now that there has been a major change. The two that I can recommend from personal experience are:

Raise Your Hand Say Yes

This is a twelve month class created by Tiffany Han that comes with online monthly lessons, a workbook with reflections and space for taking notes, monthly office hours and Q&A sessions, a social media network exclusive to group members and just an all around good program for structuring a year of reflection on who you are and what you want. Can be used to move a small business forward, to reflect on your personal life and relationships, or with a specific project in mind. Tiffany also has a free podcast with tons of wisdom. I really like how she does not buy into the common belief that the answer to every problem is to “work harder.” Instead, she discusses learning how to connect with yourself, care for yourself, and make decisions from a grounded place. By bringing your life into better alignment, you waste less energy on resistance and have more to give to your life’s work. Moms with children, creatives, those with blue and white collar jobs, all welcome.

Soul Care

When I originally signed up for Raise Your Hand Say Yes, I was expecting more one-on-one time than the program actually provides, so I decided to supplement it with Soul Care. Soul Care is six, one-hour sessions with Lacy Young. Lacy meditates and stays connected to you energetically throughout the three month program. She sends beautiful and simple care packages and in general just walks with you on your journey. She also offers retreats. Definitely better for those open to the esoteric.